Turning the Page

"To everything - turn, turn, turn

There is a season - turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones

A time to gather stones together"

~The Byrds

Falling asleep the other night I was overcome with a feeling of gratitude even though I had a 102 fever and some of the worse chills I have ever experienced. This was flu #2 of the season and the latest one started just this past weekend…Thanksgiving weekend no less.  

My relaxing long weekend plans turned into devouring cold meds, staying hydrated and mummifying myself in 16 layers of blankets. 

Still, even though I was sick as a dog I was also incredibly happy and content.  My cat was snuggled up in bed with me, my senior doggie asleep on the pillows on the floor. My kids were sound asleep and our new puppy was snuggled up snoring away in my daughter’s arms too.  All was right with the world. The house was that blissful quiet that usually only comes in the middle of the night.

I am not sure where we come from, if there is a god or not, but I am was thankful that night to my Creator for this life I have, for these glorious children, the furry critters, my job, my home…even my chills because it meant I was alive.

I have found a deep and resounding peace in my life of late.  Let me back up a bit.  In mid-August of this year I separated from my partner.  People were oddly sympathetic when they found out, wishing me a speedy recovery (huh? I am not sick or sad) and even offering to drop off a casserole.  Ummm isn’t that what one offers during a time of grief? 

So I started reading about divorce and lo and behold, the common phases of grief are said to occur as a result of a divorce and the body and mind can relate to it the same way as one relates to the death of a loved one; regardless if you are the “dumper or dumpee”.

We are all different.  I say that from personal experience because I have not felt grief over this latest life change and trust me, I know grief.  Sure at the beginning I was a mixture of emotions but that faded quickly.  Now I am content, happy and excited about what the future holds for me.  

I have reconnected with my extended family, established new friendships, adopted an adorable puppy (which has me exercising like crazy) and I have a developed a sense of independence I have never had in my life before. I have always been that type of person that needed to be in a relationship.  No idea why..fear of being alone maybe or self-doubt that I couldn't handle the single life..who knows. But I grew out of that fear as I matured and learned to trust myself.  I knew it was time to move out of this current relationship and into a new and unexplored phase of life. I was ready. I am ready. No regrets.

Tonight , as I do every night, I was fall asleep to the sound of the quiet hum of the house and be thankful that I was granted another day on this beautiful earth, my home.

The Dilemma of Online Shopping and MORE !

Ever find yourself in a situation where you think “ok, life has finally settled down” and then boom, more drama?

Well here I sit trying to absorb even more changes.  Not wanting to get into too much detail, some life changes have taken place that we are adapting too (in addition to the latest downsizing) plus my son is off for day surgery soon at the local Children’s Hospital. Nothing too drastic I guess some would say:  bye bye 4 wisdom teeth.  But when you put son + surgery into a sentence you get “panicked mother”.  He has had dental surgery before under total sedation and was up and about post-surgery within hours.  So as far as he is concerned, I am sure he will sail through this like he did last time.  Myself, on the other hand, will require sedatives and a week of post-op rest!

On a different and less intense note, I recently did some online shopping.  I was so eager for the package of clothing to arrive that I nearly sliced through a gorgeous striped tunic in my haste to rip open the box.  And that is when the joy started to subside.  Never have I had a bra ride up my back so high that I could I could almost see it through my shirt collar (and yes I know my size and this was in my size!),  or have a pair of capris that both tweedle dee and tweedle dum could easily fit into at THE SAME TIME!  Last but not least, the oh so trendy tunic vest, I thought would go great with a dress I purchased last year.  Yikes.  I need to start toning my biceps or accept that sleeveless simply is no longer an option.  So I packaged up the returns and off they went.   Note to self: go into stores and try things on!  That said, I did score a few lovely new pieces from this last online jaunt so it wasn’t all bad.

The thing is, I hate shopping in stores.   Easily overwhelmed and crisping under fluorescent lights, I particularly dread the “trying on” phase or the salesperson guessing what size I am. It could end in tears or homicide. Rarely does it end well.   I think in the last year I have had one major in store shopping success. The rest have been duds.  I usually just end up in Bath and Body Works buying soaps I don’t need and candles that I never light.  No clothing purchases in sight.

Maybe a personal challenge is a good idea – the next time I see something online I like, I will check store inventory and go and try that specific piece on IN PERSON.  Then let’s see where the excursion takes me!

Triggering the Memories

I spent the weekend doing what has become the norm lately – unpacking !  I swear, will I ever see the end to these boxes? 

I found so many things I didn’t even know I still had – U2 CDs, and old pair of clip on earrings (still painful, still ugly), some sketches my dad did so many, many years ago, photos of days gone by, an old birthday card from my parents which had me sobbing and then boom, there it was:  a half used bottle of my mom’s Lancome Tresor perfume.  

I told myself “Don’t spray it. Don’t spray it” !  So what did I do? I sprayed it.  It obviously wasn’t as fresh as it was nearly 20 yrs ago and had some odd undernotes of let’s say, “gone bad”, but it was still Tresor.  And as I inhaled the scent, the tears welled up again and she was there with me.  Her scent was all around me.  Oh how I have missed that smell.

Ever since her death I have stayed clear of the Lancome perfume section everywhere I have went.  I couldn’t face it.  That smell = my mom.  It was a trigger that ignited such a deep ache I was afraid I would be lost in it forever.   Easier to stay away.

But something compelled me to spray it the other day. I have no idea why. I hate crying.  In fact, it makes me feel sick and the next day I have such a smashing headache I can barely function.  I guess I was willing to take the plunge.

I miss her but as they say, time heals old wounds. To be more specific, it makes one forget the tiny details of another’s existence.

So after I mopped up my sobbing face, I moved on to organizing my office and slowly it has developed into my little zen area.  Just a few pics to hang, my diffuser to set up and we are good to go.

Speaking of diffusers, I live for that stuff.  I have always been a sucker for essential oils.  A few drops of tea tree in my bath with a cup of Epsom salts and watch the detox begin!  A spritz of lavender spray on my pillow and nighty night.  I picked up this headache blend the other day and if I could bathe in it I would. Think peppermint and eucalyptus. Serious goodness.

If you ever get a chance, stop in at a Saje store or visit their shop online. Addictive ! You will leave with more than you came in with (ie. My first trip I was $200 down and no regrets).

Well my coffee awaits as does my day job so I off I go.  Enjoy your week, dear readers, and we shall chat very soon  J

Downsizing at 45 ?!

I decided to take a break from the crazy life I have been living lately and sit down to write this blog post.

I am looking around my cluttered office filled with boxes (and more boxes) and I am eager to unpack and set everything up !  Our lives for the past several weeks have been nothing but packing and unpacking as we moved out of our rental home we have lived in since selling our larger home last year.  Yes folks, I have become a statistic. The mid-life downsizer. 

After loads of consideration on where to move (east or west coast) we ended up staying pretty much right where we are for the sake of the children.  They love their school and right now that’s pretty important.  So we purchased a 3-bedroom new build townhome in a new subdivision.   

At no time in my life did I think I would say “Yaaay, a townhome!” because the thought never appealed to me. Connected to a neighbor on one side, our home faces a large expanse of green space (ignore the hydro towers).

To be honest, I am happier than in a pig in shit. 

The town home is expansive at around 2500 sq ft, modern, sleek and even has a home office on the main floor.  I am in love.   Once fully set up it will, dare I say it, rock ;)

But the reality of getting older (I turned 45 yesterday) and downsizing already is somewhat of a hard swallow.  Alas, it is what it is.

I have oddly enough started a bucket list – ranging from everything to learning a web design code to buying spices at a Moroccan souk!  As usual, I am all over the map. It’s how I roll. I have also decided to start planning for my retirement already.  Sure I have 20 yrs til then but never to early to start figuring it out. Thank heavens for a healthy pension but I seriously want to take some courses and dive into social media.  I think telecommuting after retirement and handling the PR for a company would be fantastic.  So best to hone up on those skills now and build a portfolio.  

So there, dear readers, is my life in a nutshell.  I sit here now preparing for a busy day at work and waiting for Mike to arrive with my aquarium and fish; the LAST thing to move into our home from the old house.  Yes, I have a thing for fish. They float around in cool waters and are pretty weightless and graceful.  GOALS ;)